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My Epiphany About Facebook

I will fully admit, I love Facebook. I am an introvert, so I have always viewed the social media platform as a way for me to maintain relationships without the energy investment that other forms of connection would require. In many ways, it has proven to be more than I could imagine…part journal, part portal to the world, part opportunity to connect with others. While it can still be those things for me, it is also clear that it can exact a far greater toll than I ever realized.

I have become somewhat known locally on a few of the Facebook pages. What I view as providing a foil to bigots, assholes, and bullies, is viewed by others as being an arrogant, fat, lazy troll in my mother’s basement. I have a come to the realization that assessment is false; my mother passed away years ago, and I unfortunately do not have a basement.

There is no question that the platform is full of horrendous people. Living in a heavily conservative community, the entitled disregard for others oozes from the pores of many of my fellow citizens. I guess when I looked back to the pre-internet days, it was not always a bad thing that the world was frequently a mystery. Sure, I would not likely know about COVID19 death rates in Sweden, monoliths in Utah, or Trump’s latest infantile tirade, but I would also not know just how prevalent assholery is in my community.

As I progress through a better understanding of myself, it is becoming increasingly clear that I share some traits with those on the Autism Spectrum. I am early in this effort, so it is still unclear where I am, but there is no doubt that I share many of the characteristics that those with Aspergers exhibit. I rate everything, am prone to frustration when plans change, have an exaggerated view of right/wrong, and am extremely tenacious when it comes to addressing inequities, among other similarities. I have always pondered why I am weird or different, why people cannot understand my view, and why I struggle to understand theirs. People have always wanted to know why I fight so hard with complete strangers on a wide variety of issues, and I think I may know the answer.

I have always enjoyed a good debate. I invest a lot of time in being informed, and I love learning about things. In particular, I have always enjoyed political discussions. There was a time, seemingly a lifetime ago, when various political views could be discussed with respect and some semblance of understanding. That changed early this century, when it seemed we started to see a radicalization of views that exited the far corners of society and became more mainstream, likely due, in part, to the presence of the internet and platforms like this. With the more polarized discussions I found a new passion for not only standing up for my beliefs, but for others who I felt were being disparaged or marginalized in the process. Facebook was a tremendous tool for access to those conversations and the opportunity to exact revenge against my enemies.

As someone who has always been clearly different, it has become second nature for me to try to prove the validity of who I am and what i believe. I compose cogent thoughts quickly and can type pretty fast, meaning that I can produce a substantive argument with little effort. I am also extremely tenacious with my views, so I will leverage my prose to hammer a point home, frequently leading to exhaustion in my opponents. I have developed a reputation for this online, with a fairly large number of people absolutely despising me. I have sliced through many faceless entities online because of their local or national politics, or malicious religious, cultural, or racial views. People have always asked why do I bother arguing with them when I know they won’t change. I fully understand that someone who hates Obama because he is Black or laughs at Elliot Paige for coming to grips with who they are will likely never change, but what I despise is the idea that people in those communities hear those comments while others who could be allies comfortably sit aside and watch. I just cannot stand the idea that bullies get to win.

Recently, I caught myself in a conversation where my aggressiveness had consequences. It was about the most mundane of subjects – whether a water tower should be painted. The current iteration is deteriorating, but the tower is no longer in use, so the question is whether the paint should be maintained. Some of those commenting were aghast that there was a suggestion of allowing the situation to remain unresolved because the tower lists the 1993 State Championship football team. Being particularly annoyed by the way high school football has driven some of the efforts to normalize life during the pandemic, I spoke up, dismissing the call to maintain the tower as is, instead suggesting other, more recent accomplishments be recognized. I proceeded with my effective argument while, unbeknownst to me, people were grieving the violent death of the player who scored the winning touchdown in that very championship game. My comments were leveraged by those who despise me to indicate that I was actually mocking this athlete’s death.

Despite my efforts to apologize to those who were offended, particularly a teammate of the player, the anger grew. The racist involved in fanning the flames was far more effective at stoking these fires than I as at putting them out. In the end, it resulted in him sharing a photo of me with the player and other teammates, with the implication that they will consider doing me harm.

This is most certainly not the first time that I have faced this type of reaction to my views. I have been threatened with physical violence, doxxing, damage to my property, and other forms of attack. I know that people who fail to measure up intellectually frequently resort to these actions to intimidate or silence others. I never cared, because I felt I was doing the right thing in standing up.

I cannot completely pinpoint what it has been about the most recent issue that triggered a different view. I am always in several contentious discussions, and I have joined a new group that is astoundingly awful, giving me wide berth to deliver magnificent amounts of damage to a very worthy contingent of the populace. Any of these may have been the decision that allowed something to click – I have to reassess the value of these activities to my life.

When I think back to my discussions on Facebook, I can see why people would wonder what in the hell am I thinking. What could I be getting from the experience? Why would I invest that time in something so fruitless? I am starting to understand the questions. While I mentioned the fact that I felt justified in my actions because I was being an advocate for others, there was no question I was also building something within myself based on the pain of others. Sure, the vast majority of those receiving the abuse from me thoroughly deserved it, so inflicting that on them was not the problem. The issue is that I was building some sort of confidence or self-esteem on the shoulders of people I found despicable. It should always feel great to enrage a bigot, but if part of my purpose is to prove I am better than those people, have I set much of a bar for myself?

Now, some may view this as “love everybody” or “be best”, but that could not be further from the truth. I think we should always take every opportunity to shut down and embarrass bigots and bullies. It seems like measuring a cup of milk using a thimble. I can splash a lot of thimbles milk into the bowl, but I have no accurate measure of where I stand when done. This helpless feeling is further exacerbated by lack of feedback from like minds. The assumption that a silent, supportive audience exists seems like a myth. If we are to encourage supportive behaviors for those who are marginalized, we have to, you know, support that behavior. I can see the people who hate me clearly, every day, but the support, the backup, is rarely there. I try to lead by example, by jumping in and backing those who are getting beat up, but rarely is that favor returned. This leads me to believe that my efforts are not as meaningful to others as I had hoped.

The most painful realization I had is that I have neglected those who do love or care about me. I may not ever understand what drives me to want to exert time lashing out at enemies with no tangible reward, when it is abundantly clear that those I love will bring me so much more joy. For this, I apologize to them. Somewhere in my brain I struggle to understand why people would care about me. I cannot tell if it is part of being somewhere on the spectrum (if I actually am) or if it is a result of never actually feeling “normal”. Rather than bother and annoy those with whom I cannot fully understand why they care about me, it seemed more logical to slice apart assholes. Yes, that makes no sense. I write it and it makes no sense. When you grow up with this belief that you are normal but few seem to agree, not a lot makes sense. Anyway, enough of the excuses…for those who know who they are, I deeply apologize. I do not care if there is something wired in my brain to allow me to behave in a manner that is hard to understand; I am certain at some point my treatment has been hurtful. If I were a blind man and knocked over a vase in someone’s house, I wouldn’t necessarily be something that I was able to prevent, but I would still owe the owner an apology and be responsible for the outcome. So, if I start bugging you more than usual, it is probably just my mental pendulum swinging too far the other way. I am more than happy to be told that a correction is in order.

I have a game plan to ease this transition. As mentioned, I will make myself more available to those who consistently make my life a better one. I am going to funnel my efforts towards more personally beneficial ventures – Cricut projects, coding in something like Python, photography, writing, woodworking…Tik Toks? I am also going to see what I may be able to offer charitable causes with my newfound free time. What I will refrain from doing is expending my talents and remaining time on people who are not worthy.

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Response Series – The Miseducation of the American Boy – Atlantic Article – My Thoughts

This article is fantastic. The depth that the author goes to engage the subjects interviewed is a stellar example of journalism.


I think much of the problem with masculinity comes from the fact that it is considered preferable over femininity.  Invariably, when describing someone who is masculine, domineering words such has strong, brave, courageous, tough, bold, aggressive, commanding are used.  When people describe femininity, it is usually in submissive terms like soft, kind, considerate, beautiful.  We are conditioned to fill roles from a young age, by seeing those roles played out by our elders and through media.  Even today, the Rock can make two action flicks a year without anyone batting an eye, but when Brie Larson dons a superhero suit and becomes one of the most powerful heroes in cinema history, there are very mixed reactions to this. So, the foundation is laid from an early age…females exist to support males and countering that instinctive code is controversial.


Now, start to extend that foundation to puberty.  Boys are getting more sexually aggressive, and they don’t even understand it, because talking about sex is still so taboo.  They get erections all the time and this feeling of pent up energy that is at once embarrassing and also promoted and congratulated.  Guys are lauded for their sexual prowess and conquests, honored for all the boning, pounding, laying pipe they do while girls are condemned for crossing that virgin line as sluts, whores, dirty.  This starts to open a whole world of problems.  Guys are competing in athletic events where they are pushed to toughen up and be a man.  Girls are encouraged to explore more cerebral efforts.  When they explore their athletic side, invariably they are forced into one of two categories…hot objects of physical perfection, or butch lesbians, as if they are impinging on the male dominated space.  


We hear the stories of the drunk girl who passes out at a party and boys take advantage of that situation. It is a traumatic breech of trust, but the boys who do this are just fulfilling the objective they have been driven to accept their entire lives, that the conquest of women is a desirable goal.


Knowing that this is all wrong and should change, what can be done about it?  For the foreseeable future, we will face families who are stuck in the 1950’s raising boys to be awful men.  They will always look for opportunities to complete their fantasies at the expense of their victims.  This is why feminists who argue that women should not be told to use caution under certain circumstances are so infuriating.  Absolutely the ideal situation is for a woman to feel completely comfortable to drink to excess, collapse on a bed for a few hours, and never expect to be violated.  The problem is that we do not enjoy that ideal experience.  I would much rather empower my daughter to be prepared for what exists than to act in a manner inconsistent with reality.


The other opportunity we have is to encourage others to engage when something is wrong.  I would expect that every single rapist, sexual predator, or other person willing to violate or attack others based on their unbridled masculinity has demonstrated improper behavior in front of an audience.  Let’s start raising our kids to be people who will not tolerate that.  Make the world inhospitable to this behaviors.  When you see someone catcalling women, don’t wait for her to act, gather a few people and call them out.  Be willing to stand up to this nonsense as part of a team.  Remain vigilant.  

This can all be fixed, but, as with so many other issues, society has to change. Our awareness of our instincts must be heightened rather than condemned, so we can appropriately manage natural urges. We have to encourage other traits in our children, ones that develop respect for others. We have work to do, and have to be willing to do it.

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New Years resolutions are bullshit, but I am going to change some things

I cannot figure out why a day at the beginning of a calendar earns such a precious space in our personal itinerary for making changes. We should just own up to our failures immediately and correct them. For some reason, the beginning of a new year initiates this desire to have a clean slate and start fresh. So, in the spirit of new beginnings, here are some things I am going to try…

  1. Fitness – I am going to exert myself once a day, without fail. This sounds like one of those crazy ultimatums we give ourselves on January 1st only to watch it be ignored before the end of the month. In this case, there simply is no excuse. I sleep every day. I eat every day. Hell, I watch TV and bitch at someone on Facebook every day. Now I need to just make activity a habit.
  2. Lair – I could say “for some reason, I always end up at a coffee shop doing things.” Fact is, I know why. My office is a disaster. Everything about the area screams “your shit is not together”. When I go to a coffee shop, the bills, the cracks in the walls, the neighbors, the WiFi, the temperature, they are all not my responsibility. I now need to purge and organize my space, a lair where I want to be creative and productive. I need to surround myself with music and art that supports my mental health. I can brew my own damn coffee (and it is damn fantastic) and make my own grilled sandwiches and other goodies.
  3. Mental health – I did a terrible job caring for myself last year. It was a huge struggle where I dedicated myself to things and people who will never acknowledge my value. I won’t always be able to insulate myself from situations that are troubling or frustrating, but I can do more to prepare myself and to hit my “welp, I no longer give a fuck” button.
  4. Creative expression – I have a lot of ideas and passions, but I allow them to overwhelm me. Will I ruin a canvass? Will I delete the wrong photo? Will my essay piss someone off? I have to strive to dispose of the hurdles that prevent achievement.
  5. Suffering fools – I have to be real with myself…I will never have a lot of patience for certain characteristics, behaviors, or personalities. If I am too smart to have to deal with some people, then I am smart enough to let those morons hang themselves while I come out looking like the good guy. I can always deliver the proverbial kick to the teeth if needed.

There we go. That is the plan. No promises, but if I follow them, I may have a better year.

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Homeless Man Eating from Hotbar at Whole Foods

Several news articles have reported a video of Whole Foods employees laughing as a presumably homeless man helped himself to food at the hotbar, at times grabbing food with his bare hands, licking his fingers, and using the ladles to put food into personal receptacles that he had with him. There are many atrocious aspects of this event that I wish to address, in order of most severe to least.

  • Food Safety – As someone who has spent days in a hospital with food poisoning, I can definitively attest that the primary concern is food safety for the customers at the store. I quiver with nausea at the thought of what contamination occurred during his sampling of the food. A homeless person does not have access to the facilities necessary to maintain adequate hygiene in general, so they are likely to have contaminants that are even more dangerous than the average customer who maintains a more effective level of personal hygiene. That said, any person who dares to touch the food or handle the utensils in any manner that results in an issue with the food safety should be escorted from the premises immediately and forbidden from returning.
  • Mocking the homeless – almost as difficult to stomach as the introduction of filth into the food is the laughter at the expense of a suffering human. While I find his grazing disgusting, I also find his predicament a tragic condition. My entire life, I have always known that food and shelter are available for me. I cannot imagine how painful suffering hunger and exposure can be, so mocking those who deal with it is an unconscionable act. These employees should be severely reprimanded for this appalling behavior.
  • Inaction by the employees and management – According to some reports, the employees are forbidden from addressing the issue immediately. The procedure apparently is to allow the act to proceed, then discard the tainted food later. Given that there is such a cavalier attitude by the Whole Foods leadership regarding their food, it would seem they would find a way to make this food accessible to those who need it without endangering customers who assume they are purchasing untainted food.

My hope is that this issue will result in a greater emphasis on food safety by Whole Foods and greater efforts to contribute food to those who need it.

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Loners – They May not Want your Help

As I write, I will probably slip references to my parents in from time to time.  My dad was an unabashed extrovert.  He was a traveling salesman, so he would frequently have to eat alone, which he HATED.  One of the things he would brag about was his confidence to stroll up to another lone eater and ask if they could share a table. These stories horrified my intensely introverted self more than most anything Stephen King could dream up.
When I was a kid, I went through a weird time in middle school, which i guess was common for kids that age.  I can recall frequently eating alone at lunch from 6th grade through to the middle of 9th grade. It was so strange, because I felt like I needed this time, but I didn’t understand why.  I would have been perfectly comfortable with myself, except for the way most people treated me.  Some kids probably thought I felt I was too good for them, and some of them were right.  Others took it as an opportunity to make me feel lousy about being weird and a loner.  Teachers and even my parents got into the game, telling me I was good enough for friends and wondering, sometimes to my face, if there was something wrong with me.  There actually was…people could not understand how someone could be comfortable alone without being lonely.
At that time, the general tactic was to ostracize, mock, or even bully the loner.  I had a guy in 8th grade who loved exercising his right fist into my shoulder as hard as he could, just because he had to have a locker next to the loner.  That stopped once I was a more formidable target, but the general feeling of being out of place because I was comfortable in my space continued.  Teachers would enthusiastically encourage more group work and more socialization, which created a vicious cycle, driving me to need more time alone to recharge.  I finally was able to emerge from this when I joined the swim team and found a niche that worked well for me.
Long after I graduated high school, Columbine experienced the horror of one of the most violent attacks in history.  Two kids took their anger at the world out on students in their school in an act that shook the nation.  Ever since that event, being alone seems to have become a warning flag for potentially violent behavior.  More popular/extroverted kids are encouraged to socialize with the kids who are alone.  Buddy benches have been created to signal others that anyone peacefully existing on a particular hunk of metal is desperately crying out for a social savior.  Instead of being mildly weird, we seem to now be viewed as a risk. Of course, this has greatly intensified problems for introverts, no matter how well-meaning the instigators are.
Society needs to stop treating people who enjoy being alone as weird, maladjusted, or potentially dangerous.  Schools need to do more than encourage those who seek out friendships to force socialization on kids who enjoy their alone time. Educators and parents could help by simply teaching kids and each other that different styles merit different interactions.  Humans are far more complex than most are willing to admit, particularly when it comes to how to interact with others.  Courses that address style differences at work are finally becoming more commonplace.  This needs to happen in schools as well.
Here are a few suggestions that would have gone a long way for me growing up…

  • Recognize the difference between alone and loneliness – it may be because introverts spend a lot of time reading people, but it doesn’t seem hard to tell the difference.  People who are lonely and sad about their situation typically demonstrate that pretty clearly. They look intently at others, a visage of envy will wash over them.  They will not seem content, they will shift in their seat, or seem to seek out companionship.  Introverts will be able to exist in a space around 1, 100, or 1000 people and never seem discontent with their own situation, so long has they can have their space.  They will be typing on a computer in a coffee shop (me right now), reading a book, or staring out in space, quietly contemplating the meaning of existence or the latest Kardashian controversy.  
  • Ask the person what they want – If you have determined that the person may be lonely or discontented with their social interaction opportunities, refrain from barreling in to the rescue. Regardless of the situation, it is likely to go over best if the person is asked how they want to be treated.  This definitely should be handled privately, and any reaction by the person should be accommodated respectfully.  If the person indicates they are unhappy with the situation, by all means rally people to engage with them more.
  • Refuse the inclination to treat being alone negatively – This gets to the reaction when the person is asked how they wish to be treated. Hopefully the engagement is comfortable enough to encourage them to be honest. If they say they are happy the way they are and with the interactions they have, an enthusiastic support of that statement will go a long way towards acceptance.
  • Don’t confuse failure to engage as failure to understand – Classes and business meetings alike seem to be litmus tests for how much people are willing to engage.  Frequently the level of engagement is tied to knowledge or competency.  One of the worst examples of this is the misguided Participation Grade.  Why the fuck does a kid have to be measured by his ability to articulate an answer in front of an entire math class?  This is a really big one for me, because I felt like this meant I had to share my knowledge with others who I didn’t really want to enlighten.  Of course this wouldn’t work in a theater or music class, where participation is the point, but other classes should focus simply on the aptitude of the student in the area of study.
  • Measure the style interactions of kids and match them up – Along the lines of the previous point, both schools and businesses should do more to ensure they match peers based on their interaction styles.  Group work is always a challenge for introverts, because it thrusts a social dynamic in the middle of an activity that will result in a measurement of the person’s performance.  One example of this came for me when I was studying to get my Masters.  I was taking a database development course and a couple of younger students were aware that I was not only older and experienced, but had a firm grasp on the subject matter.  They were pretty typical, extroverted students who were eager for help.  Had I been a younger student, their pleas for me to join them might have led to my acquiescence.  Instead, I stated that I would prefer to handle the project alone and would hate to interfere with their progress.  It is not always possible to control how work is distributed, but employers and teachers can put a bit more effort to find compatible peers and ensure they are allowed the opportunity to collaborate.
  • Never, under any circumstances, use a quieter kid to manage an extrovert – Much of the behavior common to introverts can lead to them being considered more mature than their peers.  Teaching or leading a group of people can be a taxing task, and educators/bosses will often look for any means to lighten the load.  Sometimes this manifests itself with leaders mixing more pensive peers with exuberant ones, much like nuclear plant operators will insert control rods to control the fission reaction.  Not only does this put pressure to force a more introverted person to extend themselves, but their new responsibility will almost always result in a friction with the more outgoing person, leading to unwarranted conflict.
  • Establish opportunities for kids to socialize on their terms – This isn’t only true for students, but doing this in school is essential for developing comfort for people across all personality styles.  Activities need to be varied enough to encourage participation at a level comfortable for the participants.  For example, if the class is going to play a game of twister, maybe broaden the scope of games available by including things like chess or checkers. This will give the students options for play that potentially fit their personality.  If social comfort and wisdom of the group develops enough, the class may even experience kids wading into uncharted waters, with introverts seeking out new opportunities to express themselves.

Younger generations seem better equipped to acknowledge broader personality styles.  Introvert is now a proud moniker, joining nerd and geek as compliments rather than insults.  They seem to get that different styles are to be valued and encouraged.  Their elders should work to support and embrace this trend.  

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The Unearned Value of Social Graces

I was a student at Texas A&M university many years ago.  One of the many traditions on that campus involved the concept that everyone was a member of  one large fraternity/sorority. Part of this cohesive nature of the student body was an expectation that each student would address other students as they came in contact with an exuberant “HOWDY!”

As you can probably guess from other posts on this page, I am a strong introvert. This “HOWDY!” thing was fine, but it could get obnoxious over time. There were certain interactions where it was fine, but the ongoing expectation and eventual disappointment or anger when I would refrain would, at times, take its toll. Sometimes I would purposely refuse to say it, other times I would meekly mumble it to avoid any repercussions of my reticence to interact with every human I saw. I was never attacked or directly confronted by anyone about this, but you could always tell it set me apart.

This particular social grace is less common than many that are expected today. Living in the South, there are a lot of expectations for interactions with others. The waitress better be very friendly. The cashier should certainly ask you if everything was ok. Smiles, holding doors open, relinquishing seats, and expressing gratitude over the most menial of tasks are so common and expected, they hardly merit any value. Then you have the more aggressive expressions of care for strangers. Maybe you have been fortunate enough to earn a free meal at a restaurant or treated to coffee by the person in the car in front of you at Starbucks. There are all kinds of wonderful and generous expressions of kindness that happen between strangers, it seems surprising that we still live in what frequently seems like a hateful, angry world. There are likely a multitude of reasons why all these token interactions don’t really amount to a significant improvement in society, but I have some thoughts on a few.

Most frustrating of all the reasons is that I believe people consider these niceties as part of some sort of karma game of life. It would seem that these positive interactions would demonstrate a personality that is benevolent, but in actuality I think many people just want to do these nice things so they can worry less about the things they do in other situations. They seem to think that buying that Chai Latte for the car behind them is some sort of chit that they can use to cover a malevolent act elsewhere. What is particularly galling about this behavior is the scales are almost never in balance – the small niceties can’t really make up for the shitty behavior that comes at other times.

The other thing about social graces is they are frequently gender based. You may have heard of it referred to as “benevolent sexism”, but most think of it as chivalry. People will sprint to hold the door open for a woman, some will walk around a car to help the woman in, and still others will walk alongside a female companion between them and the street, as if their body would somehow protect her in the case of a distracted driver swerving off the road. Once again, these expressions of respect are fine, even polite, so long as they are not meant to accrue some misogyny credit to be spent at another time. What good is it if a guy holds a door open for a woman if he is only going to promulgate the view that women are lesser employees in the workplace? Does the act of treating a woman differently than a man in a positive sense signify respect, domination, or diminishment of value?

The other one that I notice frequently involves people who are overtly religious. It would seem they are the least likely candidates for this behavior, given that most religions cover how best to treat others. While I am certain the majority of those who possess some form of religious belief are good people, there are those who seem to trade on their time in the pews for opportunities to treat others poorly. Watch the next time you visit a restaurant early in the afternoon on a Sunday as those who have just left church carry on loudly at a restaurant or otherwise act wildly in public.

Of course, I am certain those who are reading this are thinking “Man, you might be the biggest asshole ever!”, which only further proves the point I intend to make. There are a couple of reasons why I felt compelled to put these thoughts in print.

The mere fact that I have the audacity to question the intention of those who express these graces is considered an offense to humanity. We have become so determined to weave these actions into our social subconscious that it is revolting to many to point out how meaningless this is. Watch how people react to the near-weekly mass shooting events in our nation. Any thread about the event will be punctuated by innumerable “Thoughts and prayers” comments. Regardless of what you believe, these comments clearly have minimal or no effect on the event or future occurrences of violence. They only serve to help the person offering the statement stomach the nauseating reality that someone decided to murder a group of people. Do these people make an effort to actually address the issue? Do they vote for legislators who will offer laws that might save someone, or does the T&P suffice as their contribution? A mere mention of the limited impact thoughts and prayers has on the issue will result in a volley of insults and proclamations of the value of prayer, even if the intent is not to disparage religion but to encourage tangible action.

Beyond the argument that social graces can be relatively meaningless to conducting our daily lives, there is the oppressive expectation of cooperation from all involved. Just as people would be miffed if their “Howdy!” went ignored, any dismissal or failure to engage in the efforts to encourage the happiness of others immediately results in someone taking offense when none is intended. It would seem, if someone were truly a “nice person” who always says hello or smiles at another, they would be nice enough to understand that ambivalence to such a gesture is not equal to a personal affront. I sometimes am not in the mood to interact with others at all. It isn’t a misanthropic mission to exit from society, it is merely an effort to replenish my introvert batteries.

You are now probably thinking “Ok, we will leave you alone, is that good?” Well, first of all, I do not believe you, but more importantly, the point of this screed is that society is losing the war on actually treating people well. You bought some stranger a cup of coffee…Congratulations. Did you show up at the polls in 2016 to vote for a candidate who was actually qualified to run this nation, or do you support the misogynistic imbecile who has spent the past two years wreaking havoc on our democracy? Do you show up to church, only to support policies that limit freedoms based on sexual orientation? Does your smile address the fact that support the continued display of white supremacist civil war memorials?

Should we dispense with all of this and just be blunt and ambivalent about each other? Not necessarily. Do good, be good, but maybe think about how you can actually benefit society beyond holding the elevator door open for a few extra seconds.

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The Curse of the Exceptional Introvert

I have struggled since a young age with what it means to be extremely introverted in a very extroverted world.  I actually believe that the world is split about 50/50 between introverts and extroverts, but in the US, there seems to still be a belief that being extroverted is preferred over being introverted.  Of course, this carries numerous challenges for introverts, but one in particular is what it is like to be exceptional in some way, yet ill-equipped or disinterested in promoting the talents or skills that make you special.


I was always a high-achiever in school, at least until I reached the first few years of college.  Math and science, in particular, were strong subjects for me. In fifth grade, I was selected to participate in a pilot course that was meant to bring children with strong logic and problem-solving skills into a class meant to enhance those abilities.  I was already in the “vanguard” programs in my classes, but this took me at a slightly higher level, and I loved it.  I felt that, for the first time, I was acknowledged for something that my louder, more social classmates regularly received attention.  My Spanish teacher, whose class I left once a week for the new class, hated it and took it out on me, but I didn’t care.


After that year, I started to really struggle with my academic experience.  I was bussed 10 miles away to a school in a very different neighborhood.  People who had been friends were escalating their social interactions, while I was starting to feel overwhelmed.  No longer was being the quiet, good kid a positive characteristic.  If you were not loud, boisterous, and energetic, you were a loner, weird and anti-social.  I generally accepted this as part of my life, never really able to connect with others, and generally not caring about it.  Sure, weeks would pass where not a single kid would speak a word to me, but it wasn’t like I would go out of my way to converse with them, either.


Of course the isolation was painful, but it was somewhat bearable.  I never had to worry about time to recharge, to fill by banks with the calm solitude I needed to deal with the group projects, the constant pressure to interact, and the growing discomfort with my behavior demonstrated by my parents.  The one thing that regularly galled me was the fact that those who were more socially comfortable, driven to interact, as if they were fueled by it, were getting far more recognition of their accomplishments than I would under similar academic achievements.  It even became clear that those who were the class clowns, the outgoing jokesters, the social butterflies, they were able to impress far easier than I ever could.  Middle school was a perplexing time because of this.  I began to lose interest in academic achievement because it seemed pointless.


Things improved in high school in most areas.  I learned to just enjoy my successes in areas like math and science, even if they were not going to be acknowledged by others.   I appreciated requests to tutor or help others out, because it was a recognition of my efforts.  Even classes like history, government, and social studies were enjoyable because I could leverage my memorization and presentation skills to excel.  The one area where I continued to struggle was in my English courses.  It was extremely frustrating, because my mother was an English teacher. She helped me to develop my writing skills, as well as a value for literature.  Unfortunately, each of my English classes in high school were very social, always driving intense class participation.  This was challenging, especially when we would get into the analysis of literature.  Teachers would want me to provide input on various books or poems, but my assessment was never in-line with their assessment of the subject matter.  I understood that it was not unusual to glean different concepts of the writing, but it seemed that my assessments were never adequate.  This, coupled with my general disinterest in speaking up in class, led me to develop a distaste for literature, one that still plagues me to this day.


My first stint in college was an experience in ups and downs, but I knew a couple of things were true there.  Recognition would be rare or nonexistent, and I would have much greater control of the interactions I had to have with others.  This was liberating, but it did not prepare me for the difficulties I would face in the corporate world.


I began my professional work experience as a process engineer for a cable manufacturing company.  The first few years were focused on earning my place, proving to leadership that I had the brains, and proving to the people on the floor I had the guts to get my hands dirty.  The growing respect I earned in that job was fulfilling. I extended myself beyond my comfort zone, and it was appreciated.  There was something about being a guy who showed up his first day in slacks and button up shirt getting grimy with everyone else that earned respect.  Eventually, I was able to fold in my intellectual talents to further gain recognition, leading to greater responsibility.


Things took an interesting turn when my manager abruptly left the company, leaving a void in a managerial role.  I slid into the role without complaint, developing a deepening camaraderie with my manager peers, who were much older than me, as well as maintaining good relationships with those who sought my guidance.  I felt that this synergy would develop into a role as manager in the near future.  Instead it was my first real world reckoning on the risk of quiet diligence in the workplace.


During my fifth performance review with the company, I knew things were not going as I expected.  Rather than any form of appreciation for stepping up and taking over, I received the typical tepid platitudes of a mediocre review.  In past years, I had always received double digit raises because each year I successfully completed a challenge of increasing complexity and value to the company.  None of those achievements equalled, in my mind, the value of stepping into a leadership role without being asked to do so. When it was announced that my adequate year would be punctuated with a 5% raise, I asked the plant manager how he intended to address my greater responsibility on the team.  I also mentioned that the raise was the first one below 10% since I started with the company, and that seemed unusual given the increased value I offered.  What I initially thought might be a smile of reassurance quickly morphed into a grimace of disdain.  How dare a 28 year old engineer raise the specter of an official management title?  Double digit raise, who does this kid think he is?  After calling me a liar,  I calmly asked him to check with HR.  The smug confidence in his face flattened into simmering frustration as the HR manager confirmed my professional accomplishments over the past 5 years.  He swiftly collected himself and chuckled, saying that we can see what happens in the coming year.  I responded, now becoming a bit indignant by this asshole’s behavior, stating that he can either officially promote me to manager, with all the position’s benefits, or I would stop working as one for free.  As the rage brewed in his eyes, I grew more calm, allowing a smirk to grow across my face.  
You would think that a significant take away from this experience would involve an awareness that clamoring for position and supporting those moves with frequent, vocal self-promotion would be necessary to garner the recognition warranted.  That lesson apparently did not take.  I moved on to a different job, first as a manufacturing engineer, then supervisor, and finally found my place as an IT professional.  I earned a Master’s degree in IT.  I was always best suited to a role in IT, as I had a natural attraction to work relying on technology and data. It allowed me to carve out a niche as a strong troubleshooter, able to apply my analytical skills to solve a wide array of issues.  I was at a new company, a much larger one that I quickly realized had a very extroverted culture.  I soon realized that my role allowed me to fly under the radar.  Managers and peers would frequently relay the results of my accomplishments without adequately acknowledging my participation in the effort.  


It may be apparent by now, but I am not really driven by rapid ascent up a ladder.  I view success as more than bounding from position to position. I have found a place where I get to do the work I love, have a desirable amount of flexibility, and am compensated well.  This affords me a calm that many do not enjoy, but I have my limits. I have been been surpassed by those who are far less qualified, both academically and professionally, than me.  After ten years, I am starting to struggle with the knowledge that being unwilling to flaunt my accomplishments means I will watch others enjoy the accolades.  They organize the group lunches.  They hoot or holler during team meetings.  They find this interesting way to somehow be bracingly competitive yet affable enough to be showered with praise.  It is as if the social aspect of the job is far more important than the actual performance of critical tasks.

What is the answer to this issue? How do introverts gain the recognition they deserve? There are certainly indicators that the younger generations have greater comfort with the various style differences possessed by their peers. They seem willing to embrace the strengths of both extroverts and introverts equally, and may be more willing to understand the need for leaders to seek out the value introverts quietly offer the organization in order to squeeze as much potential from them as possible. Fact is, introverts and those who understand them won’t rise as fast as the exuberant stars, so it will take longer for the corporate culture to shift in favor of the introverted way. I hope to be around to see this happen.

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White Privilege – A Way to Understand

The frequent refrain of those offended by the concept of white privilege includes, but is not limited to:

  • I worked hard for everything I have. No one gave me a damn thing.
  • There are rich, privileged (insert white demographic here) people in this world!
  • White privilege doesn’t exist, because if it did, I would:
    • Live in a mansion.
    • Own a fancy car.
    • Have a trophy wife/husband.

Never mind the numerous examples of situations where being white clearly comes with benefits, people will stubbornly refuse to accept that white privilege exists. Maybe if they have a different way of comprehending the concept, they might open their minds?

Efforts have been made to develop concepts that can explain white privilege, but I think they frequently miss the target. For example, one that I am familiar with demonstrates the concept by suggesting life is a race. While this is a pretty good metaphor for life, the wrinkle they offer is that certain people begin the race ahead of others. This immediately conjures the idea that where people begin their lives indicates how well they will finish. While this is very true in many cases – our president is a prime example – it leads people who are white and poor or otherwise have a less than spectacular experience in the world to complain that they had it hard and can’t be considered “privileged.”

The other issue, as I see it, has to do with the term itself. It focuses on the white experience, rather than the struggles that people of color face in a society dominated by whites, particularly one where whites possess most of the power. It implies things about white people, causing a natural recoiling at the issue. Maybe there is another way to think about the issue.

Many moons ago, I was a competitive swimmer. As I started in the sport, where I swam didn’t matter, because I sucked. I worked hard, got stronger and sleeker, and eventually my times began to drop. When it takes you a minute and a half to swim 50 meters, your inefficient stroke, lack of stamina, and inability to dive, flipturn, and finish properly are the self-inflicted impediments to success. When you are able to actually compete with the best, you learn that there are outside influences that can impact the times of every swimmer.

If you have ever seen an Olympic swimming event, you will notice that swimmers with the best times earn a position in the center lanes, whereas those with slower times are relegated to the outer lanes. Even with specially designed lane ropes and gutters along the edges of the pool meant to minimize the waves that reverberate from the sides during the race, there is a single, inevitable truth…the outer lanes are slower than the center lanes, due to this minute drag. If you are a middle-of -the-pool elite swimmer swimming against Michael Phelps, no center lane of any pool is going to help you beat him. If, however, your times are within a few hundredths of a second of others swimmers, the outer lanes can mean the difference between a medal and swimming home undecorated.

So, now that I have meandered into the minutiae of competitive swimming, you are probably asking if you have wasted your time with this nonsense. I don’t blame you, because the only thing more boring than reading about swimming is swimming. Let me get to the point – rather than thinking of life as starting out at different points on the privilege scale, consider it as starting at the same point as everyone else, but the people of color compete in the outer lanes while whites enjoy the center lanes. Assuming everyone has the same talent, they will all start at the same time. The differences will be imperceptible at first, but as the race progresses, the impediments that people of color face will become evident. They will struggle to keep up, and likely will fall behind. The other parallel of this metaphor is that the whites, just like the most elite swimmers, are oblivious to the struggles of those they are competing against, because they don’t feel the drag, and everyone fighting the drag is likely behind them.

Some of you may think that the impediments to progress for people of color amount to things that we believe have disappeared. Cross-burnings, lynchings, segregation, blatant demonstrations of hate, and other iconic acts of violence still occur, but most would agree that they are much less common than in the past. What hasn’t changed are the infuriating little things that drag on people of color. The fear that a loan will be denied, the challenge of buying a home, the likelihood that a new car will be a bit harder to get, and possibly more expensive, the extra effort to get hired for a job, the side-eye at the jewelry counter, people crossing the street to avoid any contact, the taxi flipping on their out of service light, the inconvenient seating at a popular restaurant, the dread when a cop approaches, the sudden implementation of a dress code at a bar…all of these are only a small part of the daily experiences people of color face. None of these, taken individually, would warrant a second thought, but collectively, over an extended period of time, they impede the progress even the strongest person can make.

Of course, people can excel, even in the outer lanes. That isn’t the point though. Their ascension to fame, fortune, adulation, or success is inevitably hindered compared to those who don’t suffer that drag. They may lead a company, write a best-seller, develop a cure, invent a product, sing a grammy hit, and achieve fame, fortune, and wealth many of us cannot imagine. All of that was done in spite of the drag they faced since they started their journey in a society where, on balance, white people enjoy the fresh air free of bias.

Why does this matter? Aside from the reinvigoration of hate fueled by the current president and his millions of supporters, it matters because it exists. It matters because people think they have checked some sort of existential box indicating they are not biased simply because they have a black friend, loved Crazy Rich Asians, or voted for the first black president. They think they have met the bar for being an ally. I certainly cannot speak for anyone else, but, in my view, that is all meaningless when it comes to confronting what people of color face on a daily basis. To be a true ally, you have to be willing to be shaken from your comfort zone, to step in and support someone, and to scrutinize your beliefs and actions. Maybe a good first step is to consider the issue without being defensive about it.