You frequently see articles guiding us to know our worth. We are encouraged to believe the best in ourselves, to trust that there is a place for us in the world, that we belong and are important. These sentiments are always given with the best of intentions, but what happens when you cannot find value in who you are? What do you do when a number of indications arise that point to your lack of value?
I recall one of the first times I really questioned whether I had value in this world. I was a young engineer at a cable company in East Texas. I don’t think it is completely uncommon for someone my age to leave college with less than a full compliment of experience and maturity necessary to adequately assess every scenario and adjust accordingly. I was eager to begin, dressing in a nice shirt and khaki slacks to impress those who hired me. The minute I entered the facility, I was judged as a typical engineer, too important to be with others where I would get dirty and sweat and struggle. So, I kicked my first day off at what I figured was pretty much bottom.
When I left work around 6 pm that night, I bought work boots, jeans, and comfortable shirts to fit in. I was living alone at the time so I did not have anyone or anything demanding me to be away from work, so I decided a good way to impress was to work hard and stay until I was done. Given I was staying until 7-8 pm most nights, I was not super concerned that I might get in around 8:05-8:10 pm. Looking back now I realize how naive I was to think that those paid twice what I was making would consider it part of their duties to gather more information than arrival time, but then I figured that anything I was doing wrong would receive the same brutal response I received for my attire on day one.
Fast forward 6 months. I had started to develop a strong relationship with my fellow engineers and, more importantly, the operators and maintenance crews in the plant. They watched as sweat poured from my brow while I turned a wrench in 130 degree heat above extruders. They appreciated that my degree hadn’t clouded my respect for their effort. Yeah, I was still a city slicker, but I worked as hard and as dirty as anyone else there, so I was doing ok. I walked in on that fateful day and my boss immediately pulled me into his office, where the HR manager was sitting as well. Jimmy was a sniveling jackass who spent the first 1-2 hours of his day juggling his testicles while he slurped black coffee and socialized with everyone in the office. In the movie of my life, Steve Buscemi would be the perfect actor to play him. Bill, the HR manager, was a really odd guy. Not so much a bad person, as just the typical HR rep – plays like he is your friend but will slip a knife in your back while telling you the cut won’t be fully covered by insurance.
So, I settled into the couch in Jimmy’s office. Things seemed pleasant enough until Jimmy stated that I would be put on probation for 6 months due to my tardiness arriving at work. I was dumbfounded. Never once did a single person state that what I was doing wrong. There were no official hours. People came in much later all the time, and few stayed as late as I did. I asked what prevented them from mentioning the issue to me before, and they mumbled something like it was up to me to recognize the issue. I stumbled out of the office and worked my way back to the oil pits, a place few people wanted to be. I sobbed quietly, feeling like a failure, but more trying to understand how much people must have hated me to not even warn me that this was an issue.
I survived and worked there several years after that. I royally pissed Jimmy off by forcing him to shred that piece of paper the second he arrived on the day my 6 month probation was up. It was my first of many experiences where I should have learned that people won’t extend themselves to help or mentor others.
Today I have a similar low feeling. I have worked for my current company for almost 12 years. I have worked nights, weekends, holidays. I am always up for a challenge and consistently deliver results and performance that few others seem capable to offer. There are plenty of places where I do fail. I have grown tired and wary of interpersonal work relationships. I have been burned more times than I wish to recall, so I am probably someone people consider cold or unfeeling. I can be blunt and even brutal in my assessments and statements, and people know I have little patience for wasted time. I have never made the mistake of ever thinking that there is a workplace that would want me at a higher level, so I have always kept my goals reasonable. I rarely voice an opinion about my work, foolishly hoping it speaks for itself.
I have a coworker, a peer, who is moving to a new role. She is being backfilled and shared the job posting with us to see if we might know of anyone interested. When I checked the posting, I realized it was for a level above me. My shock turned to anger when I realized it unsurprisingly listed my exact job function. Not once did my manager mention to me that he was thinking of adding someone at a level higher, encouraging me to go for it. He has never stated what it is about me that limits my potential, something most all of my managers have struggled to offer in my career. What they fail to understand is that telling that me I am not performing to their expectations may be painful, but not telling me is far worse. My guess is had I not paid attention to the posting, my boss would have been perfectly fine hiring someone else for the roll, paying them more, and expecting me to support their success through training and guidance.
Mind you, I have no problem with someone being hired over me. What is so difficult is I have been doing all that was listed and more for years. I have helped by bosses look like geniuses. I have even saved the career of one. I tackle huge projects and regularly save our company large amounts of money. What hurts is what came when I asked about the role. I IM’ed my boss, asking what happened and why this wasn’t mentioned to me, even as a courtesy. I could tell this caught him off-guard, because the “XXXX is typing” kept flashing on and off. When he finally mustered the courage to say something, he told me that I offer a lot to the company in many ways, and that I should apply to the job.
So, the person my boss comes to in times of crisis, who is regularly the guy who supports huge, urgent projects, doesn’t merit enough consideration to be approached to say “Hey Greg, just so you know, we are backfilling Ellen’s role with a position that is a step up. I will be happy to discuss why we are not automatically promoting you to this role and backfilling your job, as I am sure this may be potentially disturbing news.” I know people generally have little concern for my emotional well-being. Somehow I have forged this persona that people seem to believe is impervious to pain or harm and doesn’t require gestures of care. It is absolutely stupid to think that someone would ever take the few seconds necessary to think more of their fellow coworker. So, here I am, crying next to the oil pits, wondering how I earn that place of value in the eyes of others.
So, yeah, fuck off with that “worth” bullshit. I work hard to own what I am worth to this world, but I am also aware that others rarely feel the same way.