As I write, I will probably slip references to my parents in from time to time. My dad was an unabashed extrovert. He was a traveling salesman, so he would frequently have to eat alone, which he HATED. One of the things he would brag about was his confidence to stroll up to another lone eater and ask if they could share a table. These stories horrified my intensely introverted self more than most anything Stephen King could dream up.
When I was a kid, I went through a weird time in middle school, which i guess was common for kids that age. I can recall frequently eating alone at lunch from 6th grade through to the middle of 9th grade. It was so strange, because I felt like I needed this time, but I didn’t understand why. I would have been perfectly comfortable with myself, except for the way most people treated me. Some kids probably thought I felt I was too good for them, and some of them were right. Others took it as an opportunity to make me feel lousy about being weird and a loner. Teachers and even my parents got into the game, telling me I was good enough for friends and wondering, sometimes to my face, if there was something wrong with me. There actually was…people could not understand how someone could be comfortable alone without being lonely.
At that time, the general tactic was to ostracize, mock, or even bully the loner. I had a guy in 8th grade who loved exercising his right fist into my shoulder as hard as he could, just because he had to have a locker next to the loner. That stopped once I was a more formidable target, but the general feeling of being out of place because I was comfortable in my space continued. Teachers would enthusiastically encourage more group work and more socialization, which created a vicious cycle, driving me to need more time alone to recharge. I finally was able to emerge from this when I joined the swim team and found a niche that worked well for me.
Long after I graduated high school, Columbine experienced the horror of one of the most violent attacks in history. Two kids took their anger at the world out on students in their school in an act that shook the nation. Ever since that event, being alone seems to have become a warning flag for potentially violent behavior. More popular/extroverted kids are encouraged to socialize with the kids who are alone. Buddy benches have been created to signal others that anyone peacefully existing on a particular hunk of metal is desperately crying out for a social savior. Instead of being mildly weird, we seem to now be viewed as a risk. Of course, this has greatly intensified problems for introverts, no matter how well-meaning the instigators are.
Society needs to stop treating people who enjoy being alone as weird, maladjusted, or potentially dangerous. Schools need to do more than encourage those who seek out friendships to force socialization on kids who enjoy their alone time. Educators and parents could help by simply teaching kids and each other that different styles merit different interactions. Humans are far more complex than most are willing to admit, particularly when it comes to how to interact with others. Courses that address style differences at work are finally becoming more commonplace. This needs to happen in schools as well.
Here are a few suggestions that would have gone a long way for me growing up…
- Recognize the difference between alone and loneliness – it may be because introverts spend a lot of time reading people, but it doesn’t seem hard to tell the difference. People who are lonely and sad about their situation typically demonstrate that pretty clearly. They look intently at others, a visage of envy will wash over them. They will not seem content, they will shift in their seat, or seem to seek out companionship. Introverts will be able to exist in a space around 1, 100, or 1000 people and never seem discontent with their own situation, so long has they can have their space. They will be typing on a computer in a coffee shop (me right now), reading a book, or staring out in space, quietly contemplating the meaning of existence or the latest Kardashian controversy.
- Ask the person what they want – If you have determined that the person may be lonely or discontented with their social interaction opportunities, refrain from barreling in to the rescue. Regardless of the situation, it is likely to go over best if the person is asked how they want to be treated. This definitely should be handled privately, and any reaction by the person should be accommodated respectfully. If the person indicates they are unhappy with the situation, by all means rally people to engage with them more.
- Refuse the inclination to treat being alone negatively – This gets to the reaction when the person is asked how they wish to be treated. Hopefully the engagement is comfortable enough to encourage them to be honest. If they say they are happy the way they are and with the interactions they have, an enthusiastic support of that statement will go a long way towards acceptance.
- Don’t confuse failure to engage as failure to understand – Classes and business meetings alike seem to be litmus tests for how much people are willing to engage. Frequently the level of engagement is tied to knowledge or competency. One of the worst examples of this is the misguided Participation Grade. Why the fuck does a kid have to be measured by his ability to articulate an answer in front of an entire math class? This is a really big one for me, because I felt like this meant I had to share my knowledge with others who I didn’t really want to enlighten. Of course this wouldn’t work in a theater or music class, where participation is the point, but other classes should focus simply on the aptitude of the student in the area of study.
- Measure the style interactions of kids and match them up – Along the lines of the previous point, both schools and businesses should do more to ensure they match peers based on their interaction styles. Group work is always a challenge for introverts, because it thrusts a social dynamic in the middle of an activity that will result in a measurement of the person’s performance. One example of this came for me when I was studying to get my Masters. I was taking a database development course and a couple of younger students were aware that I was not only older and experienced, but had a firm grasp on the subject matter. They were pretty typical, extroverted students who were eager for help. Had I been a younger student, their pleas for me to join them might have led to my acquiescence. Instead, I stated that I would prefer to handle the project alone and would hate to interfere with their progress. It is not always possible to control how work is distributed, but employers and teachers can put a bit more effort to find compatible peers and ensure they are allowed the opportunity to collaborate.
- Never, under any circumstances, use a quieter kid to manage an extrovert – Much of the behavior common to introverts can lead to them being considered more mature than their peers. Teaching or leading a group of people can be a taxing task, and educators/bosses will often look for any means to lighten the load. Sometimes this manifests itself with leaders mixing more pensive peers with exuberant ones, much like nuclear plant operators will insert control rods to control the fission reaction. Not only does this put pressure to force a more introverted person to extend themselves, but their new responsibility will almost always result in a friction with the more outgoing person, leading to unwarranted conflict.
- Establish opportunities for kids to socialize on their terms – This isn’t only true for students, but doing this in school is essential for developing comfort for people across all personality styles. Activities need to be varied enough to encourage participation at a level comfortable for the participants. For example, if the class is going to play a game of twister, maybe broaden the scope of games available by including things like chess or checkers. This will give the students options for play that potentially fit their personality. If social comfort and wisdom of the group develops enough, the class may even experience kids wading into uncharted waters, with introverts seeking out new opportunities to express themselves.
Younger generations seem better equipped to acknowledge broader personality styles. Introvert is now a proud moniker, joining nerd and geek as compliments rather than insults. They seem to get that different styles are to be valued and encouraged. Their elders should work to support and embrace this trend.