I was a student at Texas A&M university many years ago. One of the many traditions on that campus involved the concept that everyone was a member of one large fraternity/sorority. Part of this cohesive nature of the student body was an expectation that each student would address other students as they came in contact with an exuberant “HOWDY!”
As you can probably guess from other posts on this page, I am a strong introvert. This “HOWDY!” thing was fine, but it could get obnoxious over time. There were certain interactions where it was fine, but the ongoing expectation and eventual disappointment or anger when I would refrain would, at times, take its toll. Sometimes I would purposely refuse to say it, other times I would meekly mumble it to avoid any repercussions of my reticence to interact with every human I saw. I was never attacked or directly confronted by anyone about this, but you could always tell it set me apart.
This particular social grace is less common than many that are expected today. Living in the South, there are a lot of expectations for interactions with others. The waitress better be very friendly. The cashier should certainly ask you if everything was ok. Smiles, holding doors open, relinquishing seats, and expressing gratitude over the most menial of tasks are so common and expected, they hardly merit any value. Then you have the more aggressive expressions of care for strangers. Maybe you have been fortunate enough to earn a free meal at a restaurant or treated to coffee by the person in the car in front of you at Starbucks. There are all kinds of wonderful and generous expressions of kindness that happen between strangers, it seems surprising that we still live in what frequently seems like a hateful, angry world. There are likely a multitude of reasons why all these token interactions don’t really amount to a significant improvement in society, but I have some thoughts on a few.
Most frustrating of all the reasons is that I believe people consider these niceties as part of some sort of karma game of life. It would seem that these positive interactions would demonstrate a personality that is benevolent, but in actuality I think many people just want to do these nice things so they can worry less about the things they do in other situations. They seem to think that buying that Chai Latte for the car behind them is some sort of chit that they can use to cover a malevolent act elsewhere. What is particularly galling about this behavior is the scales are almost never in balance – the small niceties can’t really make up for the shitty behavior that comes at other times.
The other thing about social graces is they are frequently gender based. You may have heard of it referred to as “benevolent sexism”, but most think of it as chivalry. People will sprint to hold the door open for a woman, some will walk around a car to help the woman in, and still others will walk alongside a female companion between them and the street, as if their body would somehow protect her in the case of a distracted driver swerving off the road. Once again, these expressions of respect are fine, even polite, so long as they are not meant to accrue some misogyny credit to be spent at another time. What good is it if a guy holds a door open for a woman if he is only going to promulgate the view that women are lesser employees in the workplace? Does the act of treating a woman differently than a man in a positive sense signify respect, domination, or diminishment of value?
The other one that I notice frequently involves people who are overtly religious. It would seem they are the least likely candidates for this behavior, given that most religions cover how best to treat others. While I am certain the majority of those who possess some form of religious belief are good people, there are those who seem to trade on their time in the pews for opportunities to treat others poorly. Watch the next time you visit a restaurant early in the afternoon on a Sunday as those who have just left church carry on loudly at a restaurant or otherwise act wildly in public.
Of course, I am certain those who are reading this are thinking “Man, you might be the biggest asshole ever!”, which only further proves the point I intend to make. There are a couple of reasons why I felt compelled to put these thoughts in print.
The mere fact that I have the audacity to question the intention of those who express these graces is considered an offense to humanity. We have become so determined to weave these actions into our social subconscious that it is revolting to many to point out how meaningless this is. Watch how people react to the near-weekly mass shooting events in our nation. Any thread about the event will be punctuated by innumerable “Thoughts and prayers” comments. Regardless of what you believe, these comments clearly have minimal or no effect on the event or future occurrences of violence. They only serve to help the person offering the statement stomach the nauseating reality that someone decided to murder a group of people. Do these people make an effort to actually address the issue? Do they vote for legislators who will offer laws that might save someone, or does the T&P suffice as their contribution? A mere mention of the limited impact thoughts and prayers has on the issue will result in a volley of insults and proclamations of the value of prayer, even if the intent is not to disparage religion but to encourage tangible action.
Beyond the argument that social graces can be relatively meaningless to conducting our daily lives, there is the oppressive expectation of cooperation from all involved. Just as people would be miffed if their “Howdy!” went ignored, any dismissal or failure to engage in the efforts to encourage the happiness of others immediately results in someone taking offense when none is intended. It would seem, if someone were truly a “nice person” who always says hello or smiles at another, they would be nice enough to understand that ambivalence to such a gesture is not equal to a personal affront. I sometimes am not in the mood to interact with others at all. It isn’t a misanthropic mission to exit from society, it is merely an effort to replenish my introvert batteries.
You are now probably thinking “Ok, we will leave you alone, is that good?” Well, first of all, I do not believe you, but more importantly, the point of this screed is that society is losing the war on actually treating people well. You bought some stranger a cup of coffee…Congratulations. Did you show up at the polls in 2016 to vote for a candidate who was actually qualified to run this nation, or do you support the misogynistic imbecile who has spent the past two years wreaking havoc on our democracy? Do you show up to church, only to support policies that limit freedoms based on sexual orientation? Does your smile address the fact that support the continued display of white supremacist civil war memorials?
Should we dispense with all of this and just be blunt and ambivalent about each other? Not necessarily. Do good, be good, but maybe think about how you can actually benefit society beyond holding the elevator door open for a few extra seconds.